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By August we'll all look like this

Talk of Fantasy Football normally turns me into Woody Allen, a neurotic shadow of a man who wakes up with cold sweats at 4am to deliberate over whether God really is dead and if I should swap Scott Carson for Paul Robinson.

It all started as a misspent youth saw Championship Manager benders last for days on end at our house, as Voodoo Chile spun on the turntable. It was not uncommon to see Pete and Kate slumped over a PC, as Keef and Mick, nursing bourbons, reminisced over the good old days before disks became obsolete.

Then came FF, Skinner and Baddiel, a world where you couldn't mirror-signal-manoeuvre-your-finger-over-the-power-button and play that Uefa Cup final again. Come on, we've all been guilty of a little artistic licence when it comes to Championship Manager but somewhat perversely, 'Fantasy' Football is significantly more steeped in reality.

Modern slaves, sorry footballers, talk of pressure but it's only us managers that know the real truth. The sanctuary of the dugout can be a lonely place when you've transferred in Darren Moore and Derby are six down and the man mountain has just been booked and overtaken by Preston's new starlet, Tom Finney.

A spell in the Priory wearing white pyjamas and drinking green tea had seen me clean for a good few years, until this morning, when I was charged with the task of penning a guide to who to pick and avoid for the launch of Sky Sports' very own Fantasy Football game for 2008/09.

Who to avoid

It doesn't take Guus Hiddink's tactical know-how to surmise that goalkeepers and defenders from newly promoted sides should be avoided like an American in a sauna after an all-you-can-eat buffet.

With this in mind, unless of course you frequent the same haunts as Max Mosley, avoid a world of pain by saying no to Scott Carson; who has of course just signed for West Brom after weeks of speculation over his future.

If you must punt on a goalkeeper who may be on the move, go for Paul Robinson or Carlo Cudicini. The Spurs man could end up at either Aston Villa or Blackburn, two clubs with solid defensive records over the past couple of seasons, while Chelsea's veteran Italian has also been linked with Rovers.

With just £1.8million separating the dearest and cheapest goalkeepers though, it's fair to say there's no need to take undue risks between the sticks.

It's worth noting that in Sky Sports' Fantasy Football, bookings and sendings off result in -1 and -2 point penalties being accrued, so while the likes of William Gallas might look a solid goalscoring bet from the back, the Frenchman throws more dummies than a Rug Rat deprived of rusks and is partial to the odd yellow.

Richard Dunne and Ryan Nelsen are a pair of defensive beasts who like the odd assist, but they were also two of just three players that were sent-off twice last season. Sulley Muntari, for all his raking shots from range, was the third.

Goals from midfield are a priceless commodity (perhaps someone should tell Chelsea - offering breadline Frank a paltry £29million to stay - insulting indeed!) so keep Portsmouth's Papa Bouba Diop on the team bus. The powerful midfielder had more shots without scoring than any other player, 55.

To keep him company? I'd plump for Nicky Butt. The Newcastle man had a renaissance last season but 13 yellow cards means he'd cost you -13 points to start with, and he can't shoot.

For those that still lament the demise of Townsend's tactics truck, it's worth noting the 'fantasy' element of the game. Don't worry about balance, holding midfielders are worth less than a Gordon Brown assurance over economic climate, and instead hunt for those you'd love to go clubbing with but not take home to meet mother.

The allure of adding a Premier League new boy to your ranks is tempting but remember if you opt for the likes of Spurs' Giovani Dos Santos or Johan Elmander of Bolton, more debut top flight campaigns end up like Marc Boogers than Roque Santa Cruz.

Talking of Roque, be careful not to be KO'd by players on the move. Cristiano Ronaldo broke all kinds of FF records last term but if he tops the Spanish charts next term, he'll earn you nowt. The same can be said of Frank Lampard - normally a shoo-in to get 20+ goals from midfield. He could well again next term, but then it could be that Jose Mourinho tops Sky Sports' league as well as Serie A, as he elected only to buy Lamps for Inter.

Emmanuel Adebayor is another I wouldn't stake my mortgage on being in England come August. The big striker was sensational last season but he could be a waste of one of your transfers. You've 30 to use throughout the season and can make up to five a month.

Gareth Barry clocked up plenty of points last term but should he end up at Liverpool next year, he won't be charged with taking penalties. Take off the spot-kicks and Barry's considerably less appetising.

Who to snap up

Any keeper from the top four represents a safe pair of hands, as does David James, who as long as he keeps off the fags and Nintendo should continue to keep more clean sheets than that the love-child of Shane Richie and Danny Baker.

Bacary Sagna and Gael Clichy love nothing more than to maraud down the flanks and should clock up plenty of points, as will Manchester United's Patrice Evra. As ever, Nemanja Vidic and Rio Ferdinand are assured of numerous shut-outs.

Joleon Lescott looks an absolute steal at £4.5million given he hit double figures last year and Everton are pretty prudent at the back too. Chelsea's signing from Porto, Jose Bosingwa, looked a little shaky defensively at Euro 2008 but he's a different proposition going forward and could be a better bet than Ashley Cole on the opposite flank.

Cesc Fabregas remains the assist-master par excellence, with a remarkable 17 last season and when you take into account he's a greedy so-and-so (your words, allegedly Mr Hleb, not mine) a fee of £5.8million should not prove prohibitive.

Stewart Downing, for me still a poor man's Steve Guppy, could take penalties for Boro next season and has a sweet enough delivery from the left, while Elano will be desperate to prove he's not a half-term wonder at Manchester City. If he can keep penalty-taking duties away from Jo then he's definitely worth a punt at £4.2million.

Geovanni at Hull is a player I thought was underused at Eastlands last season and while Phil Brown's side may clock up fewer points than England's Eurovision entry, the Brazilian should be at the hub of their best work.

It is, though, up top that FF leagues are won and lost. What makes this year's selections intriguing is that no-one really knows where the likes of Adebayor, Ronaldo, Robbie Keane, Santa Cruz, Andy Johnson and Dimitar Berbatov will be playing their football come August.

Fernando Torres will struggle to eclipse a phenomenal first campaign at Liverpool but it's fair to say anything less than 25+ will be disappointing from the Spaniard.

Manchester City's Jo looks exciting at £19million and given you can have him for just £6.4million, who says you can't grab a bargain in these financially stricken times?

Yakubu Aiyegbeni is as certain as you can be to get into the high-teens, while Wayne Rooney does enough outside of the box to make up for only averaging around 15 goals a season.

It could be at Fratton Park that the best bets are to be had though, with Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe both likely to flourish in tandem in the crisp South Coast air.

Who will prove to be this season's Fantasy League bargains and flops? Who will you be putting in your side?

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