Winners and losers

Alex Dunn picks his heroes and villains from the past 12 months

Last updated: 24th December 2007

800Steve McClaren umbrella

McClaren: Endured a miserable time in 2007

While England were tepid and tortured, Scotland flew into every tackle like William Wallace on heat and achieved a number of magnificent and glorious performances against some of the continent's finest.

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Forget holly, tinsel, the Spice Girls pretending they'd like to cook a Tesco turkey together when in fact they'd rather boil Posh with her lobster, the middle managers who turn all Benny Hill in chasing their secretaries around All-Bar One, the sinister over-aged carol singers - banish all that festive guff to the closet of your mind - for the true signifier of Christmas peeping over the horizon is the publication of an avalanche of lists.

In an attempt to stop early morning drool from freezing my face to the train window this morning, I began to flick through the free commuter magazine ShortList. Okay, perhaps the publication's title forewarns, but that still couldn't prevent a swell of nausea punctuating an empty stomach, as I was affronted by list after list after list. I may have been hallucinating but I'm sure one was titled '2007's top ten lists'.

And my mood was exacerbated further when I remembered I had a list of my own to pen this very morning; something along the lines of football's heroes and villains for 2007.

The title itself posed an immediate problem. I can't really think of footballers as villains, the phrase just evokes an image of Dick Dastardly. I can think of loads who are the former but 'Dastardly' just doesn't cut my football jib. So I've decided to make it a winners and losers piece but it's not going to be a list because we're already doing them for 'Top ten matches, goals, players, moustaches etc' and I've got nothing left to add.

Another problem - and I'm not complaining here (writing this means I'm avoiding doing a preview of Aberdeen's game with Copenhagen) - is that everybody knows football is about seasons not years. It would be easy to select last season's winners and losers, I could even have a stab at this term's, but a reflective look back at the year is so much more problematic. 'Didn't William Gallas have a splendid February' is not a sentiment that regularly interrupts my flow of thought.

Basically what I'm saying is that this article may well lack structure in a linear sense; it'll be more a set of observations that could serve your main before the aperitifs but then it's the festive period and we're on the sherry, so let's all be merry rather than irked.

I may as well begin with a cheap easy starter for ten: Steve McClaren and his band of not so merry English men. There's nothing clever about kicking a man when he's down but my conscience is eased in the knowledge that while Mac's attempting to find a stocking big enough to house his pay-off, I'll be left to reflect on a summer ahead likely to be spent in Ikea rather than a nice cosy pub watching brave old England flatter to deceive before being knocked out at the quarter-final stage of Euro 2008. Steve, you've got nice teeth, are a fine politician and probably a cheery enough bloke but there's no denying that in 2007 you were more loser than winner. So in the words of Andy Gray, 'Take a bow son' and receive your loser gong.

Dormant

2007 was also the year in which Arsene Wenger concluded there was no more vavaroom for Thierry Henry at Arsenal. For eight glorious years the chic Parisian had acted as Paul Weller in fronting Wenger's Style Council but 12 months in which he spent more time injured and sulking than on the pitch, ultimately proved his last in north London. Barcelona and Henry's flirtations had been about as subtle as Cerys Matthews' jungle-eyes for that dormant bloke who used to be in Eastenders for many a pre-season, but in July 2007 the Frenchman considered his stale marriage to Wenger before leaving a Jilted John letter at the Emirates. His stock has continued to fall ever since.

It's not exactly been a vintage year for a host of Premier League bosses, with trigger-happy chairmen cocking their triggers in a manner Dirty Harry would probably deem a tad excessive. Sammy Lee and Chris Hutchings were both long-term appointments that were to be given their top flight heads by oh so supportive chairman. Only, except, they were sacked to be replaced with up-and-coming progressive young bucks and not-at-all journeymen bosses Gary Megson and Steve Bruce, having been given just a handful of games to prove themselves. I'll draw the line at jabbing too hard in the direction of Lee and Hutchings though; it'd be like dumping a pair of kittens in a canal. Neither of them had a chance of making it to Christmas.

I was tempted to bracket Simon Jordan as a loser on the basis he's Simon Jordan. But having taken a moment to reflect on the satsuma in a blonde wig I stand corrected: Jordan old boy, you're one of 2007's winners. At a time when every mouthful of opinion is mediated via the lips of a media-savvy agent, Jordan shoots from the hip and while he's not quite Tony Parsons or Julie Birchall, he's a gunslinger of repute none the less.

Tortured

All this praise is going to my head like a cheap liquor so I'll deliver some more, with Scotland's national side picking up a nice trophy to put on their collective cabinet. Without wishing to raise the wrath of a nation, the Brits love a glorious loser and Scotland put in the quintessential so-near-yet-so-far performance in Euro 2008 qualifying. While England were tepid and tortured, Scotland flew into every tackle like William Wallace on heat and achieved a number of magnificent and glorious performances against some of the continent's finest. They may not be heading for Austria and Switzerland but they can watch the action ensue with their heads held high.

Cristiano Ronaldo, cue some panto boos, if I can remember correctly won PFA's Young and Old Player of the Year awards so it would be churlish not to mention the loveable winker. And he also came up with the best quote of the year too after being elbowed in the face by Roma's Mirko Vucinic.

"It's not a problem," he said. "In four or five days I will be beautiful once again."

For sheer entertainment and producing a young side that at times transcends the normal confines of the traditional 'English' game, Arsene Wenger in his pursuit of Heston Blumenthal-inspired 'perfect' football, is another candidate who makes it onto my winners' rostrum.

Harry Redknapp has done a remarkable job at Portsmouth this year but the police have confiscated his computer and he won't be able to read this, so I can't be bothered to finish this senten....

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