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Abbey or Shrek: You decide
Oscar Wilde once wrote 'a true friend stabs you in the front', which is perhaps how Wayne Rooney would have felt in the unlikely event he took time out from getting 'mangled' in Ibiza's Lineker's bar, to peruse the Daily Mail's website on Friday morning.
In a surprise break from dedicating its pages to immigrant baiting, the Daily Hate has gone Rooney mad in offering unrivalled coverage of the England man's stag-do - in a feature replete with a montage of paparazzi shots.
It is not though the sight of himself boozing on a yacht and into the small hours that will cause most alarm/hurt but rather a story that accompanies the piece regarding his England team-mate Peter Crouch.
The Liverpool striker was expected to be doing the Robot with Rooney and pals this week, having been amongst a select few invited to celebrate his pre-nuptials on the party island.
But no, rather than spend his time skippering a booze cruise, Crouch has been papped in the Caribbean, frolicking with model girlfriend Abbey Clancy.
Englandwatch is disappointed Crouchy - we had you down as one of football's nice guys.
I mean, how could anyone elect to wile away the hours being fed grapes by a bikini clad model on a deserted island when they could be partying with Shrek in a place Didier Drogba once refused to enter as he thought it was a bit of a dive?
To his credit Rooney appears to be having quite the time of it in Crouch's absence, a model of light hearted decadence enjoying a good old drink with family and friends. The affable scouser it's fair to say enjoys a night out but what's this - SCANDAL - he's only been caught smoking by a Daily Mail source.
"I would think Sir Alex would not be happy if he saw him tonight," says the flabbergasted and frankly disgusted mole.
"I cannot believe he is smoking when he is supposed to be a top player. To be honest the word Chav seems to have been invented for him."
Far be it for me to question the journalistic integrity of the reporter who filed the story, but having earlier in the summer spent three days slumped at the bar in Puerto Banus' Lineker's on a stag-do of my own, there is more chance of Rooney being a Sheila than one of its clientele coming out with that quote.
Englandwatch can report that not one of Rooney's party surfaced before 3pm the following day. Clearly they are light sleepers, on my first morning after the night before I didn't see daylight until 5pm...
Stay tuned to find out if Rooney has the balls - literally - to pull off the mankini his 'friends' have in store for him.
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