Mark E Smith: scares Bumble to death

I don't think going on Strictly Come Dancing would be a very good idea because I'd probably end up jumping over the table and flattening those judges.

David Lloyd
Quotes of the week

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I've just got back from a short five-day break over in Spain ahead of the third Test.

As you'll be able to see during the Test match coverage, I went over to Benidorm where I stood out like a sore thumb because I didn't have a bald head, tattoos or an ill-fitting football shirt!

While I was there I read Mark E Smith's latest book, called 'Renegade', which is absolutely terrific. He's completely off the wall and my favourite line was when he said: "In these days of political correctness, the presenters of morning television should have ashtrays on the table and they should all be wheezing and coughing." Absolutely brilliant!

The book is a bit like one of Jeremy Clarkson's, but in more of a Daily Sport style. He's a great character and I'd love to meet him, though I think he'd scare me to death.

I'm a pretty recent convert to The Fall and they're one of those bands where you either get them or you don't. I love the sound and I laugh at the lyrics - though I'm not sure that I'm supposed to.

They're playing a gig at Manchester Academy at the end of June, but unfortunately it coincides with the fifth one-day international between England and New Zealand so I won't be able to make it.

My music tastes are actually quite diverse. I've recently come into contact with Keane, although their singer Tom didn't look too impressed when I told him I like The Fall.

Another great CD I picked up recently is by a band called Half Man Half Biscuit who have a song called 'National S**** Day'. It tells the story, which everyone must have experienced, of going to catch the train but it gets cancelled and then the replacement bus breaks down.

I don't know if I prefer that song or the one called '99% Of Gargoyles Look Like Bob Todd'!

Another record to look out for is by a bloke called Star Turn, who is a hilarious pub singer from Whitley Bay and cannot sing a note. I had to pay 30 quid for his CD on the Internet, but it's worth it.

Take a look on You Tube at his song 'Pump Up The Bitter' or his murdering of 'Roll With It' by what he refers to as the Oasises.

And check out the lyrics to his song 'Are You Affiliated' - "Life is just a fruit machine spinning round, two plums on the bandit, lend me a pound. Jackpot, jackpot." It's mind-blowingly funny!

Good news

I'm off to Trent Bridge for the third Test this week and I'd say it's pretty good news for England at the moment.

They changed the side before the second Test match in New Zealand and Michael Vaughan said privately to me at the time that he was excited by this new team.

This will be the fifth test match in a row with the same side and they've won three of them so I think he's been vindicated.

I also like the strength in depth we have. I still like Steve Harmison because he's still the bowler that puts fear into opposition batsmen and I think the likes of Chris Tremlett will provide good competition for places.

I reckon things are looking very good for the Ashes next year, especially after Australia couldn't beat an average West Indies side on the final day. They had all day to bowl them out and it finished in a draw.

I feel the explanation for that is very simple - no Shane Warne.

Without Warne, Australia have nothing to compare to Monty Panesar, who I believe will take 300 Test wickets and is miles better than what the Aussies have got. So things are looking good for 2009.

Duty

Of course, the big cricket news of the week was yet another controversy for Pakistan after Mohammad Asif was detained for suspected drugs possession in Dubai.

It really is time these players sorted themselves out and started to understand they are representing their country. Pakistan is a fabulous place, but the actions of these guys puts the country in a bad light and gives cricket a bad name.

No matter what country they play for, it should be drummed into the individual players that they have a duty to behave properly.

There seems there is a lack of leadership and strong management because these problems are occurring too often. The Pakistan Cricket Board seems to be full of generals and majors, but they need cricket people in those positions. Surely there is an iconic figure of Pakistan cricket - the likes of Imran Khan and Wasim Akram - who can sort these guys out?

Those former players may have stumbled in their careers, but that's called experience and they would be able to shake up the current crop and instil into them what it means to represent your country.

Do you have a question for Bumble? Send us your thoughts using the feedback form below and continue to e-mail him your questionshere

Bumble answers your questions

David. You have now made your comeback in the Lancashire League at the age of sixty one? What about Strictly Come Dancing? I have heard various rumours that you have turned it down on more than one occasion. Dom Clarke.

BUMBLE REPLIES: I've never been approached and I'd have no interest in doing it. I don't think I've ever danced in my life and I don't think it'd be a very good idea because I'd probably end up flattening those judges. I watched it when Goughy and Ramps were taking part and I don't know how they didn't dive over the table and smack those judges when they were rude to them.

When you are away for a long time, how do you cope with being away from your dogs? And do they miss you? Wally.

BUMBLE REPLIES: Good question Wally, you're bringing a tear to my eye. I miss them terribly when I'm away from home and they get very excited when I return. In fact, when I was in Spain last week I knocked on the next-door-but-one house to ask if we could take their dog for a walk! But Bertie has been an absolute star on Cricket AM and you need to tune in every week because he's been brilliant. I'm waiting for someone to ask to use him on adverts - dog food, double glazing... Bertie could sell anything!

Do you have a question for Bumble? Send us your thoughts using the feedback form below and continue to e-mail him your questionshere